Babblers

by Leslea Kroll

Crew: 
Skint—Saving Earth’s Creatures supervisor 
Chimes—Saving Earth’s Creatures call agent 
Bunty—Saving Earth’s Creatures ace solicitor  
 
Setting: 
A dilapidated office space being utilized as a call centre for the bogus wildlife charity Saving Earth’s Creatures. 

Bunty:         (In the middle of a call) Yes, Mrs. Hardy, that is exactly the point. I couldn’t agree more: shouldn’t we all be asking ourselves what we’re doing in today’s world? How our everyday actions have consequences and how it falls to us to own up to them?

Skint:           I’m not seeing much phone activity from you tonight, Chimes. Cat got your tongue? 

Chimes:      I’m just taking a break, Skint. Easing into my evening. Gotta work myself up to it. 

Bunty:         You’ve hit the nail on the head, Mrs. Hardy. With only 5 percent of recycling proven to be effective, the floating plastic vortex is indeed down to us. 

Skint:           You could take a page from Bunty’s book. Our Bunt knows how to reel ‘em in. It’s all about the three E’s. Have you forgotten them, Chimes? Could you use a refresher course? 

Chimes:      Maybe. 

Skint:           Allow me to remind you. The three E’s: engage, entreat, enroll. Easy peasy. 

Chimes:      ‘Easy peasy.’ Technically, that would be a fourth E. 

Bunty:         Which is precisely what Saving Earth’s Creatures is all about. With the support of people like you, Mrs. Hardy, we can make a difference.  We can begin today to  turn the page and lay the foundations for a brighter tomorrow. 

Chimes:      Something of a mixed metaphor, that last one.  A bit sloppy if you ask me. 

Skint:           No one’s asking you. You leave our Bunty be. In fact, listen and learn, Chimes, listen and learn. 

Bunty:         And your donation is matched by our generous benefactor, effectively doubling your gift. It’s a win/win for everyone. And as an added introductory membership benefit, we offer you a special Earth’s Creature of the month to be tended through your patronage. 

Chimes:      I just can’t lay it on thick like that, Skint. In the beginning, sure. But lately, it’s that  they either scan the call/don’t pick up at all or cut me off in the first thirty seconds. I used to have the touch. I fear I’m losing my mojo. 

Skint:           Well, you certainly will have if you just sit around moping. They’re not going to come calling you now are they? 

Chimes:      I think I’m just beginning to feel a bit…guilty. 

Skint:           Guilty? 

Chimes:      Yeah. You know. For taking them for a ride. 

Bunty:         This month our featured Saving Earth’s Creature is extra special… the beloved manatee: the gentle cow of the sea. 

Skint:           Okay, Chimes, we’ve been over this already.  

Chimes:      Then maybe I have to go over it again. To be reminded of why this is a ‘worthy endeavour.’ 

Skint:           A simple principle at play underscores our work: supply and demand. There is a space that needs to be filled and we, in our work with Saving Earth’s Creatures, set up shop in that space, and fulfill that need. 

Chimes:      We take their money. 

Skint:           We entreat them to make a donation. And in turn, we give them hope. 

Chimes:      We give them false hope. 

Bunty:         Yes, Mrs. Hardy, the manatees indeed need our help. The seagrasses that they rely on for sustenance have been in sharp decline the past couple of years due to rising temperatures in their habitat. We alone cannot decrease the ocean temperatures but we can take measures to see that the manatees are sustained with hands-on feeding by our Earth’s Creatures team members. 

Skint:           Right? Who doesn’t want to believe that we can save the gentle cows of the sea? 

Chimes:      By ‘hands-on feeding’ of ‘our team members’?   

Skint:           Well, someone’s doing it. And something is better than nothing— 

Chimes:      So take her, this Mrs….Mrs— 

Skint:           Mrs. Hardy. 

Chimes:      Mrs. Hardy.  Here it is, an early Wednesday evening and she’s taking time to listen and talk to our Bunty. 

Skint:           About Earth’s Creatures. 

Chimes:      Because she cares.  

Skint:           Because she cares and believes— 

Chimes:      Is being led to believe. 

Skint:           A minor technicality if you ask me. 

Chimes:      No! Skint! It is precisely the point!  She is being led to believe that by joining Saving Earth’s Creatures she will make a difference. 

Skint:           Well, if she joins, she will have made a difference. Full circle. 

Chimes:      And how do you square that circle? 

Bunty:         Pardon me, Mrs. Hardy?  The dugo—? 

Skint:           In her heart she will have the satisfaction of knowing that she has done something to bring about positive change. 

Bunty:         The dugongs? So, then like… the manatees of the China seas? 

Chimes:      But that’s just it! She will have done nothing! She will think that she has done something but she will have done nothing! 

Bunty:         But extinct there now, you say? Oh, that is very sad indeed. 

Skint:           Chimes, when things are defined as real, they are real in their consequences. If you believe yourself to be a changemaker, then you are one. She gives to us and in turn we give her the gift of belief. 

Chimes:      That we are ‘Saving Earth’s Creatures,’ that belief? 

Skint:           Exactly. 

Bunty:         Then that is precisely why there is no time to waste! We cannot let the manatees go the way of the dugongs! Will you join us today, Mrs. Hardy? Will you become a member and help us save Earth’s Creatures? 

Chimes:      Holy moly. 

Bunty:         I will just need your credit card details. 

Beat. 

Bunty:         Well…I’m not sure that I will be able to do that. We are very busy. There are many calls to be made. I’m not sure that I can make that promise.  

Chimes:      I sense a little going off the rails here… 

Bunty:         Yes, I appreciate that it is a big decision but— 

Chimes:      Listen and learn? 

Skint:           Shut up, Chimes. 

Bunty:         Well, I will do my best. If I am able, I will call you back at this number tomorrow evening.  

Chimes:      Entreat, engage, enroll. 

Bunty:         Well, I will hope to speak with you then. Thank you for your time, Mrs. Hardy. I hope that upon consideration you will join us in Saving Earth’s Creatures. Good bye and good evening. (The call ends.) Rats! I was thisclose! I nearly had her! 

Chimes:      Tough luck, Bunt.  

Bunty:         I need to google ‘dugong’. 

Chimes:      A bit of a stretch though, don’t you think? Going with manatees and all? 

Skint:           Chimes might have a point there, Bunty. A bit on the exotic side, those manatees. Tried and true has always worked for me in the past. Can’t go wrong with a good old stranded polar bear. Or penguins on thin ice.  

Chimes:      Monarch butterflies if you really want to push the boat out. 

Bunty:         ‘In August 2022, the Chinese Academy of Sciences reported that the dugong appears to be functionally extinct in Chinese coastal waters.’ 

Chimes:      So much for ‘Saving Earth’s Creatures.’ 

Bunty:         And she was like, ‘well, maybe they’ll go the way of the dugongs. Maybe that is God’s will and who are we to intervene in his master plan?’ 

Skint:           I swear I thought you would reel that one in. Oh well, other fish in the sea. 

Chimes:      Just not any dugongs. 

Bunty:         She said to call back tomorrow.  She needed time to mull it over. 

Skint:           Wine is for mulling, not time, Bunty. Cut your losses and move on. 

Chimes:      I might be with Skint on that one, Bunty. She might be trying to play you. 

Bunty:         How could she be playing me? She was a sweet old dear. 

Chimes:      Exactly. Maybe she was enjoying the contact. A little conversation on an otherwise dreary evening. And she has your call to look forward to tomorrow. She might be stringing you along. Now who’s scamming who? 

Bunty:         You have a suspicious mind, Chimes. 

Chimes:      Comes with the territory.  

Skint:           I think that Chimes is merely pointing out that we can’t afford to get in too deep.  

Bunty:         Manatees swim in shallow waters. 

Skint:           Don’t go getting all punchy on me. I merely want to emphasize that we can’t allow ourselves to get personal. We can’t afford any attachments. Too risky. 

Bunty:         And what were you two doing while I was on the call? I don’t see any activity on your end. 

Skint:           I was giving Chimes a pep talk. Seems that our comrade has been having a little crisis of faith in the outreach department. 

Chimes:      I worry that I’ve lost my touch, Bunty. I don’t have your gift of the gab. 

Bunty:         It’s just spinning, Chimes. You spin the yarn, weave the web and catch the fly.  

Skint:           And always remember that we are in the business of delivering hope: belief. And that this is a noble thing. 

Bunty:         A truly priceless one. 

Chimes:      But that’s just it! We do put a price on it! $49.99 for new members! 

Bunty:         I’ve been going with a reduced rate introductory special lately… 

Chimes:      We make them think that they’re joining something that matters. Something that will make a difference. And then they never hear from us again. 

Bunty:         Unless we call back tomorrow. 

Skint:           I told you that’s not gonna happen. 

Chimes:      What if they really think that they are, you know, Saving Earth’s Creatures? 

Skint:           Then they don’t really know their scientific facts, now do they?  

Bunty:         Unless they’re someone like Mrs. Hardy. Who knows all about the dugongs. 

Chimes:      Or sperm whales. 

Bunty:         What about the sperm whales? 

Chimes:      A sperm whale washed up in Cape Breton: it had 150 kilograms of fishing gear in its stomach: ropes, nets, bait packaging. Stomach full of junk but starving. 

Bunty:         Holy moly. 

Skint:           See now, you can’t lead with something like that, Chimes. That just won’t roll. 

Bunty:         Skint is right, Chimes. That paints a picture that won’t win anyone over. Not even I could close with a starving sperm whale. 

Chimes:      But that’s what’s out there! That’s what we’re up against! That’s why they always hang up on me. 

Skint:           You need to lighten up, Chimes.  

Bunty:         Skint is right. Your glass is half empty. You need to top it up. 

Chimes:      How do I do that? 

Bunty:         Focus on the positive stories. Find something happy. Lead with that. 

Chimes:      Like what, for instance? 

Bunty:         Like, the black-browed babbler. 

Chimes:      What about it? 

Bunty:         Small bird. Thought to be extinct. But then spotted in the forests of Borneo. First sighting in over 170 years.  A lazarus species. 

Chimes:      A what? 

Bunty:         Back from the dead. 

Skint:           But don’t say it like that. 

Bunty:         Pushed the rock back though, didn’t it? The babbler.  

Skint:           Maybe. Just be careful how you phrase it. Don’t use the word ‘dead.’  

Chimes:      So maybe there are some success stories. Maybe it is possible to go the other way. 

Skint:           That’s the ticket! That’s what they want to hear! 

Chimes:      Maybe I just need to have a little more…faith…in what is possible. 

Skint:           Exactly! But it won’t happen on its own, will it?  It requires work: effort. How did you put it, Bunty?  

Bunty:         I dunno, something like ‘the devoted efforts of concerned citizens—?’ 

Skint:           Yeah, like that. Anyway, the point is, it takes work. The hard work of many people. And that is the price of hope. Supply and demand, Chimes. Supply and demand. Right? 

Chimes:      Right. 

Skint:           Okay then. Now, before our evening is a total write off, let’s get back at it. Are you with me, peeps? 

Bunty:         With you, Skint. 

Chimes:      With you. 

Skint:           Alright then. (Putting on a headset and making a call) Good evening, who do I have the pleasure of speaking with? 

Bunty:         (Making a call) Good evening, may I have a few moments of your time? 

Chimes:      (Making a call) Hello, I hope that you will spare me a little time this evening to speak with you about the important work to be done— 

S/B/C:          ‘Saving Earth’s Creatures…’ 

A cacophony of overlapping conversations as the three grifters carry on their vital and noble work.  

~  

end

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Leslea Kroll is an Edmonton writer.  Her book Ride the Red Thread is a series of vignettes inspired by trips taken on Edmonton public transit.